I Let Go of the End of My Rope (SOS)

WARNING: PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION…

Have you ever seemed to just completely lose faith?

Well, that’s where I’m at this very moment. This may be the most prideful move I could make yet, but I’m about to type what I don’t have the guts to even tell the closest people in my life right now. Every dear friend and family member has done everything in their power to encourage, exhort, rebuke, and help me, and I’m tired of letting them all down. Why go back and tell them I’ve fallen, when clearly what they told me before did not have a truly lasting effect on my life.

Have you ever had all the answers, yet they didn’t seem to change anything?

Fact: Jesus Christ IS the Son of God, LIVED a perfect life, DIED for my sins, ROSE from the grave, and is SEATED on His throne. Yet for some reason, that doesn’t affect anything. I’ve spent lots of time in the Scriptures and in prayer, but the fervency is gone. I’ve lost the knowledge of what even to ask for. I’ve lost care. I KNOW there are people that are going to hell, but… my eyes still turn towards myself.

Have you ever felt like that one loophole in the system?

Well, it sure seems like I fell through it. For all the prayers that I’ve prayed, where am I but back in a deep, dark pit? Don’t get me wrong, God hasn’t changed. God is God. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It seems like I’m the loophole. Not Him. So many people in my life have told me, “CJ, you fall down, but one thing is for certain: you always get back up.” But what if I’ve changed? Time takes a toll on a person.

Have you ever…

Fill in the blank. Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Maybe someone will see me as a blank slate and be willing to say a fervent prayer or two. I’m tired of going to my same friends and family to lift me up only to watch me fall again… I’m tired of being Mr. Extreme Pendelum. I’m tired of shedding tears next to them… I’m tired, Jesus… so tired… I know Matthew 11:28-30. I KNOW it. I KNOW Psalm 34:4. I KNOW Psalms 23. But it seems to end there.

Worst of all… I’m tired of talking myself back to Truth. That seems to have been a staple trait as seen by everyone in my life. But in hours like this, some staples just seem to fall out.

But I suppose… I’d be a fool if I didn’t include this last thought that runs through my mind as I write. This past summer there was a point when I was at my lowest, and my coworkers and I were painting a house of a lady who happened to be a Christian. Her name was Mrs. Smart. On the third day, she called me into her house and handed me a wooden cross and said, “Two of my husbands have died of cancer. One of them held one of these as he died. I’m giving this to you so that you can always remember that in your darkest hour when all else fails, you can ALWAYS hold on to the cross…”

The thought right after I wrote that was this, “Yeah, well, what about when my grip slips?”

Haha, well, I guess… praise God that since I died and rose with Him, the cross will NEVER lose its grip on me…

If anyone happens to read this… a prayer or two would be appreciated.

Warrior Poet’s Log – May 12th, 2016

These are the nights that define us. When the enemy surrounds us in our darkest hour, to whom will we turn? Will we flinch or will we raise the banner? Will we stand when all else fall? Will we grit our teeth and charge into the abyss of uncertainty with complete certainty in our God? Many claim a testimony of gained growth in Christ after doubting outside the courts of weighty trial, but such a testimony pales in comparison to those who stand firm beside their Lord in the center of hell’s jury.

These are the nights that define us. When everything within threatens to cry, do we squelch the tears and shout for victory though no victory be in sight? Victory that is seen requires no faith, but without faith it is impossible to please Him, therefore it is in our darkest hour that our true faith is revealed. And as our good Lord asked, “When the Son of Man cometh, will He find faith on earth?”

These are the nights that define us. And this is the night that will henceforth define me. I have cried my way to crosses before, but not tonight. No, this time I accept the nails as my friends. I do not and cannot see my Lord’s plan, but I accept my present fate with a wry grin and a growl in my soul. Though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be swept into the midst of the sea, I will not fear. I trust my God to the end. His will be done and His kingdom come. Amen, and amen.

The Finest Rose

Show me the roses that grow above the thorns.
Show me the beauty that comes in many forms.
Show me the silk that overcomes the pricks.
Show me the red among the rugged sticks.

Show me the truth that overcomes the lie.
Show me the reason why Jesus Christ would die.
Show me the victory of You over death;
Thus would I give, till nothing I’d have left.

And yet, give me grace to live alone by faith.
Why wait to obey until it looks safe?
Why wait for sight to know there’s roses there?
Why wait for beauty to reflect Jesus fair?

For it’s then I find that…

It’s easiest to feel the thorns when reaching for a rose,
Cutting deep, showing flaws, and leaving us to foes.
And in our pain, we cry out, and find that by our call
We find Jesus, the finest rose of all.

The Value of Trying

There are various posts in the works, but I suppose there isn’t much said (or anything said for that matter) that’s… “real.”

So… here I am being real!

Chuck Norris Gif 1.gif

Oops, sorry. That still wasn’t “real.” But I thought you would enjoy that anyway.

It never ceases to amaze me how God has wired us as humans to be able to change. The brain, the body, and everything involved has the capability to learn new habits. And all too often we sell ourselves short because “we can’t do something.” Well, okay, maybe you can’t! But have you tried? Failed? Well, try again! Then try again! And again! How do you suppose sanctification is supposed to work?!

Listen. Psalm 103:14, “For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.” God understands when we fail (to an extent because sometimes we’re just plain stupid). Proverbs 24:16, “For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.”

This semester God has been “rewiring me” so to speak. I prayed, “God, change me” and God quickly stuck His hand into the details of my life and basically was like, “So… you realize that isn’t what I would consider excellent, right?” To be frank, I have failed 100 times. And ironically enough, I’ll fail 100 more times! The best part is: that’s okay. It is the grandest privilege in the universe to try, fail, repeat the process 100 times, and still have an all-knowing God love me the same amount either way!

I’m studying for a final right now, but I thought I would take a moment to post something. It’s too bad there isn’t time to delve into tons of detail. That would be nice…

Merry Christmas!

All is Yours, All is Well

God, my dreams are wholly Yours.
My future is not mine.
My hopes and fears with all my tears
Are Yours as well, not mine.

God, my laugh is wholly Yours.
My smile is not my own.
My teeth and tongue, while I’m still young
Are Yours and not my own.

God, my past is wholly Yours:
My jumps and falls and more.
My highs and lows with the hard blows
Are Yours then much more.

God, it’s true this world is Yours.
My world is Yours as well.
My past, my now, my fate, and brow
Are Yours, so all is well.