I Let Go of the End of My Rope (SOS)

WARNING: PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION…

Have you ever seemed to just completely lose faith?

Well, that’s where I’m at this very moment. This may be the most prideful move I could make yet, but I’m about to type what I don’t have the guts to even tell the closest people in my life right now. Every dear friend and family member has done everything in their power to encourage, exhort, rebuke, and help me, and I’m tired of letting them all down. Why go back and tell them I’ve fallen, when clearly what they told me before did not have a truly lasting effect on my life.

Have you ever had all the answers, yet they didn’t seem to change anything?

Fact: Jesus Christ IS the Son of God, LIVED a perfect life, DIED for my sins, ROSE from the grave, and is SEATED on His throne. Yet for some reason, that doesn’t affect anything. I’ve spent lots of time in the Scriptures and in prayer, but the fervency is gone. I’ve lost the knowledge of what even to ask for. I’ve lost care. I KNOW there are people that are going to hell, but… my eyes still turn towards myself.

Have you ever felt like that one loophole in the system?

Well, it sure seems like I fell through it. For all the prayers that I’ve prayed, where am I but back in a deep, dark pit? Don’t get me wrong, God hasn’t changed. God is God. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It seems like I’m the loophole. Not Him. So many people in my life have told me, “CJ, you fall down, but one thing is for certain: you always get back up.” But what if I’ve changed? Time takes a toll on a person.

Have you ever…

Fill in the blank. Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Maybe someone will see me as a blank slate and be willing to say a fervent prayer or two. I’m tired of going to my same friends and family to lift me up only to watch me fall again… I’m tired of being Mr. Extreme Pendelum. I’m tired of shedding tears next to them… I’m tired, Jesus… so tired… I know Matthew 11:28-30. I KNOW it. I KNOW Psalm 34:4. I KNOW Psalms 23. But it seems to end there.

Worst of all… I’m tired of talking myself back to Truth. That seems to have been a staple trait as seen by everyone in my life. But in hours like this, some staples just seem to fall out.

But I suppose… I’d be a fool if I didn’t include this last thought that runs through my mind as I write. This past summer there was a point when I was at my lowest, and my coworkers and I were painting a house of a lady who happened to be a Christian. Her name was Mrs. Smart. On the third day, she called me into her house and handed me a wooden cross and said, “Two of my husbands have died of cancer. One of them held one of these as he died. I’m giving this to you so that you can always remember that in your darkest hour when all else fails, you can ALWAYS hold on to the cross…”

The thought right after I wrote that was this, “Yeah, well, what about when my grip slips?”

Haha, well, I guess… praise God that since I died and rose with Him, the cross will NEVER lose its grip on me…

If anyone happens to read this… a prayer or two would be appreciated.

Warrior Poet’s Log – May 12th, 2016

These are the nights that define us. When the enemy surrounds us in our darkest hour, to whom will we turn? Will we flinch or will we raise the banner? Will we stand when all else fall? Will we grit our teeth and charge into the abyss of uncertainty with complete certainty in our God? Many claim a testimony of gained growth in Christ after doubting outside the courts of weighty trial, but such a testimony pales in comparison to those who stand firm beside their Lord in the center of hell’s jury.

These are the nights that define us. When everything within threatens to cry, do we squelch the tears and shout for victory though no victory be in sight? Victory that is seen requires no faith, but without faith it is impossible to please Him, therefore it is in our darkest hour that our true faith is revealed. And as our good Lord asked, “When the Son of Man cometh, will He find faith on earth?”

These are the nights that define us. And this is the night that will henceforth define me. I have cried my way to crosses before, but not tonight. No, this time I accept the nails as my friends. I do not and cannot see my Lord’s plan, but I accept my present fate with a wry grin and a growl in my soul. Though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be swept into the midst of the sea, I will not fear. I trust my God to the end. His will be done and His kingdom come. Amen, and amen.

“… And here marks the beginning…”

To fully appreciate the art below, please refer back to this post:

The Genesis of a Warrior Poet

A bunch of studio art majors at my college recently invited me to hold some poses for them to sketch. It was an incredible experience. My friend, Jess Hodgson of Clamfrog Studios, drew these.

Consider these drawings a piece of who I am, who I used to be, and who God is building me to be:

The Amad Perets

A Prayer

God, you remember this journal! You remember all of those wonderful things which You posted through me. You remember the words that were shared and the heart that was poured out! You remember it all much better than I do.

Make this journal a public testament to Your grace. Remake and reboot this according to what You are doing in my life. I pray that the world would see nothing short of Jesus Christ and Him crucified. May they see what is possible if we lay our lives before You and let You call all the shots.

Give me poems that I never thought I could conjure…
Give me stories that reflect the dreams I’ve forgotten…
Give me music that I thought had altogether left my veins…
Give me testimonials that drop jaws and reveal Your power…

May the overflow of my heart encourage others in their travels as well.

Thank You, Lord.

Amen.

Face-planting a Garden

Proverbs 24:16, “For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.”

My RA told me a few weeks ago,

“In the Hebrew language, the number seven is symbolically the number of completion. So when Proverbs 24:16 says a just man falls seven times and gets up again, It’s saying that even though a just man completely and utterly fails beyond all hope, he’ll still get back up.”


The summer is beginning to come to a close, and this has caused me to take inventory of everything that has occurred this summer and come to conclusions. So then the question hanging is, “What conclusions have I come to?” Well, that’s why I’m sitting on my dorm room bed on a Saturday afternoon, typing about life.

Summed up: I fell a lot! I mean… it’s almost comical (hence the title of this post).

But instead of going in depth on all of my failures, I would like to focus on Jesus.

I can honestly say that I never quit spending time with Him. I have learned that of all the disciplines in life that must be kept up no matter what, it’s time with God. If that slips, everything slips. That being said, in everything that happened over the summer, God always had ammunition to keep me keeping on.

God was faithful all the way through, and no matter how badly I face-planted life, His Word always reminded me, “Don’t give up! There is hope in Me!” And even when I was down in the mud, He continuously reminded me that He answers prayer, both big prayers as well as small prayers.

Hindsight is always hilarious because you can sometimes see God’s sense of humor a whole lot better when you’re not being dragged through the dirt on the back of a metaphorical four-wheeler. God knows exactly what we need and when we need it, and He’ll do whatever it takes to do what’s best for us because He loves us. And in the context of everything that He has done for us, you can’t help but laugh at the situations He’s brought along in our lives.


It’s true. This summer I face-planted a garden. But I find it a very beautiful garden if you ask me. It smells of God’s grace and portrays His love. I look back and laugh because He knew that I needed this summer to show me many things about myself as well as other people. How that will come into play in the future, I don’t know, but I do look forward to seeing Jesus prove Himself more and more faithful with each passing day.

Your Finest Hour

Your finest hour could be defined as that moment in life which defines you at your prime: a moment unprecedented by anything you’ve ever done before. And many of us are prone to the mindset that such a moment is sometime in our future, yet to happen.

But…

What if your finest hour is that least seen by all?
When no one sees God lift you up from the simplest fall.

What if your finest hour is that which is in prayer?
Where God responds to every cry and still, unspoken care.

What if your finest hour is when you take God’s Word
And say “I will!” before you think of that verse which you heard?

What if your finest hour is always in the now?
Hinging on the cross of Christ, beneath which broken bow.

What if your finest hour was at that moment won?
Based on Christ’s final cry, shouting, “It is done!”

The fact is that it is the truth. This is your finest hour!
Hinging not on your mere will, but in God’s mighty power!