I Let Go of the End of My Rope (SOS)


Have you ever seemed to just completely lose faith?

Well, that’s where I’m at this very moment. This may be the most prideful move I could make yet, but I’m about to type what I don’t have the guts to even tell the closest people in my life right now. Every dear friend and family member has done everything in their power to encourage, exhort, rebuke, and help me, and I’m tired of letting them all down. Why go back and tell them I’ve fallen, when clearly what they told me before did not have a truly lasting effect on my life.

Have you ever had all the answers, yet they didn’t seem to change anything?

Fact: Jesus Christ IS the Son of God, LIVED a perfect life, DIED for my sins, ROSE from the grave, and is SEATED on His throne. Yet for some reason, that doesn’t affect anything. I’ve spent lots of time in the Scriptures and in prayer, but the fervency is gone. I’ve lost the knowledge of what even to ask for. I’ve lost care. I KNOW there are people that are going to hell, but… my eyes still turn towards myself.

Have you ever felt like that one loophole in the system?

Well, it sure seems like I fell through it. For all the prayers that I’ve prayed, where am I but back in a deep, dark pit? Don’t get me wrong, God hasn’t changed. God is God. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It seems like I’m the loophole. Not Him. So many people in my life have told me, “CJ, you fall down, but one thing is for certain: you always get back up.” But what if I’ve changed? Time takes a toll on a person.

Have you ever…

Fill in the blank. Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Maybe someone will see me as a blank slate and be willing to say a fervent prayer or two. I’m tired of going to my same friends and family to lift me up only to watch me fall again… I’m tired of being Mr. Extreme Pendelum. I’m tired of shedding tears next to them… I’m tired, Jesus… so tired… I know Matthew 11:28-30. I KNOW it. I KNOW Psalm 34:4. I KNOW Psalms 23. But it seems to end there.

Worst of all… I’m tired of talking myself back to Truth. That seems to have been a staple trait as seen by everyone in my life. But in hours like this, some staples just seem to fall out.

But I suppose… I’d be a fool if I didn’t include this last thought that runs through my mind as I write. This past summer there was a point when I was at my lowest, and my coworkers and I were painting a house of a lady who happened to be a Christian. Her name was Mrs. Smart. On the third day, she called me into her house and handed me a wooden cross and said, “Two of my husbands have died of cancer. One of them held one of these as he died. I’m giving this to you so that you can always remember that in your darkest hour when all else fails, you can ALWAYS hold on to the cross…”

The thought right after I wrote that was this, “Yeah, well, what about when my grip slips?”

Haha, well, I guess… praise God that since I died and rose with Him, the cross will NEVER lose its grip on me…

If anyone happens to read this… a prayer or two would be appreciated.


Show me the roses that grow among the thorns,
Painting the beauty that comes in many forms,
Showing me the good in life that overcomes the pricks,
Revealing the hope throughout the rugged sticks.

Show me the roses that grow through any storm,
Cherishing the drench, whether freezing or warm,
Showing me the joy in life that overcomes the pain,
Teaching me to dance beneath torrential rain.

The thorns feel most severe when reaching for a rose,
Cutting deep, showing flaws, and leaving us to foes.
But as we grasp, we cry out, and find that by our call
We find Jesus, the finest rose of all.

Ramblings and Prayer Requests

I have a real problem: showing up to the mall not knowing what I am going to write about.

Honestly, I’ve never been busier in my entire life. Within the past week and a half, I have had to memorize an entire play script (a thirty-minute play; I have the lead role). I was recently informed that I will be traveling the entire summer with the PCC Proclaim Summer Drama Team, so I am currently memorizing multiple songs and drama pieces. I have an Accounting project to chip away at. I have a research paper to finalize. I have speeches to work on.

It’s mind melting, and yet.. every day has been so wonderful with Jesus. I suppose I can’t really hit any main point with this blog post, but every day with Jesus is sweeter than the last. His Word is so comforting, empowering, and convicting. I do, however, wish for more time for closet prayer.

It saddens to think that many Christians neglect the closet prayer. I miss it so badly. I have been so busy, meanwhile recovering from a cold, and waking up at 5:30 to pray is certainly not the most beneficial to overcome sickness. Closet prayer is so much more than “ditching friends to pray” or “losing sleep to pray.” It’s drawing near to the God of the universe in a very intimate and necessary way to bring His will to earth.

If it weren’t for communing with God in the prayer closet, I’d be robbed of so many things in my life at this very moment. Every day God seems to be answering small prayers. My days seem to be filled with divine appointments and needed conversations. My peace is the result of prayer. My strength is the result of prayer. My wisdom and diligence is the result of prayer. Why prayer? Prayer connects me to Jesus Christ and brings His will to earth. Without prayer, His will does not and will not come to earth.

It was around four or five days ago that I had a complete meltdown: mentally, emotionally, spiritually… I went to the prayer closet, fought it through, went out to my friends to work on homework, and then everything blew up all over again. I bring up this instance to say that spiritual warfare has become more real than ever before. As a friend worded it to me, “The enemy has a target on your back.” That night, there was about four to five hours of wrestling before God finally came through with the already won victory.

One of the things that God has taught me is that I need not be ashamed of my spiritual struggle. My spiritual struggle is the result of sprinting forward as hard as I possibly can in the power of Jesus Christ. “What weight can I set aside?” “What barrier can be broken down?” “What area of my life has yet to be surrendered to Jesus Christ?” And as a result, everywhere I turn seems to be riddled with pain. Though it’s easy to be discouraged by said pain, as a friend told me,

Don’t you know that Jacob had to wrestle all night with Jesus Christ before He could get the blessing? He said, “I will not let thee go except thou bless me!” Do not let God go! Keep on struggling! Keep on wrestling! His Word is true and He will not let you down!

It all comes back to simply this: “Love God and keep His commandments.” It’s saying, “Jesus, how can I love you more and obey your commandments?” Isn’t it lovely how simple the Christian life is?

And now that I think about it, within the past week and a half, God has taken away an enormous amount of pain. He has answered prayer in many ways within a specific area of my life, and as I have followed Him, He has led me further into His love and led me out of flames which I had been led through for so long.

The problem is that I feel like I’m walking on thin ice. I need prayer and badly. It has been remarkable just how many friends have been commenting to me how much they are praying for me. I, in turn, have been doing my very best in praying for all of my friends and family as well. I desperately need God’s guidance and am seeking Him more than ever.

None the less, let it be known that as always, I trust my God. He knows what He is doing. As for me, I really need to work on Accounting. I understand the subject, but application! I need to apply myself! That is my current plight. It is very difficult to work very hard on what I am not passionate about. I long for a passion for Accounting, but I seem to be drowning. I need prayer for that as well.

Thank you all so much.

God will work.


Jesus Moves Most Under Attack

This past week has been an adventure.
Every day has been an uphill battle.
Every hour has been a challenge.
Every moment has held high stakes.

I’m under attack.

The enemy has one strategy: distract at all cost!
When sight of Jesus Christ and Him crucified is lost,
Even if it is for one week, day, hour, or moment,
The enemy has free reign to wreak havoc galore!

I’m under attack.

The enemy attacks the awakened.
The enemy attacks the visionary.
The enemy attacks the moving.
The enemy attacks the offensive.

I’m under attack.

This week I was distracted many times.
This week I stumbled many times.
This week I failed many times.
This week I lost many battles.

I’m under attack.

This week Jesus was more faithful than my unfaithfulness!
This week Jesus picked me up every single time I fell!
This week Jesus succeeded more than my failure!
This week Jesus won more battles than my losses!

Jesus is moving.

This week was stock full of Jesus being Jesus!
This week was stock full of complete one-eighties!
This week was stock full of prayers being answered!
This week was stock full of epic victories!

Jesus is moving.

This week Jesus proved omniscient!
This week Jesus proved omnipresent!
This week Jesus proved omnipotent!
This week Jesus proved victorious!

Jesus is moving.

This week God taught me how to look to Him when I’m down.
No matter how much the enemy may attempt to destroy me,
Jesus Christ and Him crucified is the solid rock higher than I.
And though ten thousand encamp against me, I will not fear, because..

Jesus is moving.

No Trial Wasted

Once upon a time..

There was a traveler,
There was a mountain,
And there was a cross.

Jesus knew the mountain.
The traveler followed Jesus.
Jesus led him up the mountain,
And furthermore, to the cross.

Yet still I will say..

“I declare to the highest heaven and the lowest hell,
I trust my God and will follow Him to the last!
I will bless His name no matter the loss,
For no mountain climbed is to waste!

Furthermore, no cross is to waste either.
Every trial of the faith can only strengthen.
Christianity is built upon crosses and resurrections,
And every mountain I climb, the only end is more of Jesus.”

The Genesis of a Warrior Poet

09/26/2014 – 22:46
I have chosen, this day, whom I will serve. I have enlisted in the ranks of those who have chosen likewise and consequently died. Their deaths have been daily, gruesome, and unimaginably horrific. Their reputations have been spat upon, mocked, and beaten to a pulp. They have died lonely deaths, only to arrive home in time for a standing ovation.

These are those of what one is called a “Warrior Poet: an absolute nobody who is fully and completely yielded to the all-consuming command and rule of the absolute Somebody. A champion of all Truth and a guardian of all gentility, meekness, affection, femininity, and grace.” I have, this day, prayed in full faith that I would be granted to join such ranks, knowing that such would come to pass, and the acceptance letter came swiftly.

The mustard seed has been planted, and although it has yet to flourish, it has already begun to grow. An infant tree has been birthed, and as sure as the sun shall rise, it shall grow to bear a cross-beam, and soon-after, me. Positionally, I have been crucified with Christ for years, but as the saying goes, “Holiness is in right action and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves. And goodness – what God desires – is here and here. And what you do every day will decide if you are a just man or not.”

This being stated, the true right action is ultimately this: to take up the cross. And today, my once lukewarm and cultural-driven feet have now felt the dusty, gravelly, and blood-soaked road to Calvary. Splinters now pierce my fingers, forearms, and shoulders, but such pain pales in comparison to my imminent fate: death.

While most veer away from this temporary fate, it is now my reasonable duty to valiantly embrace it. My heaven-driven love is provoked by an infinitely greater love which shall usher me through the flames of unwavering obedience to God’s Holy Word. Such flames shall burn hotter than I can humanly bear, but shall bring me forth as gold.

Much to my previous dismay, the ranks of Warrior Poets have been forgotten. Their war cry, the Gospel, which once victoriously roamed the field of battle, has been tuned out by the majority populous by whining, whimpers, and pats on the back for “unconquerable” re-occurring struggles. However, my acceptance letter was clear and concise:

“Welcome. These are the ranks of the few, the brave, and the despised. You are at war. Your war cry is the Gospel. i.e. you are on the offensive, for to be at war means one thing: kill or be killed. You do not compromise with, deal with, or bargain with the enemy. You defeat the enemy. Your weapon, protection, sustenance, lifeline, and everything in between can be found within your General’s Holy Autobiography. Meanwhile, you are granted the inconceivable privilege of staying in constant communication with your General, which is of the utmost importance to attain the means and end of victory. Victory is not merely the end, but is also the means. Being a Warrior Poet means more than swinging a battle-ax; it means to embrace affection in all it’s pain and promise, and being intimately close with your Lord, Savior, King, and General. Do not be discouraged when you fall, but remember that, ‘A just man falleth seven times and riseth up again.’ The General is pleased to have you. Carry on.”

With my name handwritten in my General’s blood at the top of such a letter, it is only fitting that from this day forward, I choose the narrow road and the less beaten path. I expect very few to approve, and even fewer to accompany me. However, I shall no longer heed the voices of those who dare not follow my General’s footsteps, for I now heed the marching orders of Jesus Christ alone.

I am, this day, a mustard seed which shall grow into a great tree,
And here marks the beginning of a Warrior Poet.

Matthew 13:31-32